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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.
- Jennifer Armintrout
Ashes to Ashes
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Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.
- Kim Harrison
The Outlaw Demon Wails
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People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
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If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
- Dorothy Parker
While Rome Burns
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I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"

I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.

"First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."

Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"

I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson."

"I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.
- Myra McEntire
Hourglass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge came pounding up the stairs with Hazel at his hooves.

“Where are they?” he demanded. “Who do I kill?”

“No killing!” Annabeth ordered. “Just defend the ship!”

“But they interrupted a Chuck Norris movie!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.

The other students in the class interrupt me: "We *know* all that!"

"Oh," I say, "you *do*? Then no *wonder* I can catch up with you so fast after you've had four years of biology." They had wasted all their time memorizing stuff like that, when it could be looked up in fifteen minutes.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one

-Henrietta Barett
- Julia Quinn
Minx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "
“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”
“Stalk me.”
“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?"
"I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
- Amy Sedaris
Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
- Jeaniene Frost
At Grave's End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.
- Nick Hornby
A Long Way Down
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.
- Tonya Hurley
Ghostgirl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.
- Kerstin Gier
Smaragdgrün
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, man, you know what they say."
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.
- Bo Burnham
Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."
Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.
- Nalini Singh
Branded by Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.
- Jennifer Armintrout
Ashes to Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.
- Kim Harrison
The Outlaw Demon Wails
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
- Dorothy Parker
While Rome Burns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"

I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.

"First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."

Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"

I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson."

"I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.
- Myra McEntire
Hourglass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge came pounding up the stairs with Hazel at his hooves.

“Where are they?” he demanded. “Who do I kill?”

“No killing!” Annabeth ordered. “Just defend the ship!”

“But they interrupted a Chuck Norris movie!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.

The other students in the class interrupt me: "We *know* all that!"

"Oh," I say, "you *do*? Then no *wonder* I can catch up with you so fast after you've had four years of biology." They had wasted all their time memorizing stuff like that, when it could be looked up in fifteen minutes.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one

-Henrietta Barett
- Julia Quinn
Minx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "
“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”
“Stalk me.”
“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?"
"I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
- Amy Sedaris
Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
- Jeaniene Frost
At Grave's End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.
- Nick Hornby
A Long Way Down
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.
- Tonya Hurley
Ghostgirl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.
- Kerstin Gier
Smaragdgrün
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, man, you know what they say."
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.
- Bo Burnham
Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."
Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.
- Nalini Singh
Branded by Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have to go. I have a finite amount of life left and I don't want to spend it arguing with you.
- Jennifer Armintrout
Ashes to Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid.
- Kim Harrison
The Outlaw Demon Wails
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
- Terry Pratchett
Maskerade
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
- Dorothy Parker
While Rome Burns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am human and I need to be loved,
just like everybody else does.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hey, bro, do you think you can put Shorty back on her chain?"

I stepped forward with my hands on my hips, only slightly intimidated to find Kaleb almost eye level with me when he was seated and I was standing.

"First of all, no one is the boss of me but me. Secondly, if you ever reference my 'chain' again, I will kick your ass." I jabbed him hard in the chest with my finger. Possibly breaking it. "And thirdly, don't call me Shorty."

Kaleb sat silently for a second, his eyes wide as he looked at Michael. "Where did you get her? Can you get me one?"

I blew out a loud, frustrated sigh and dropped down beside Michael, who didn't even try to hide his smile. "You should probably apologize to Emerson."

"I am sorry." Kaleb grinned at me. "Sorry I didn't meet you first.
- Myra McEntire
Hourglass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coach Hedge came pounding up the stairs with Hazel at his hooves.

“Where are they?” he demanded. “Who do I kill?”

“No killing!” Annabeth ordered. “Just defend the ship!”

“But they interrupted a Chuck Norris movie!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When it came time for me to give my talk on the subject, I started off by drawing an outline of the cat and began to name the various muscles.

The other students in the class interrupt me: "We *know* all that!"

"Oh," I say, "you *do*? Then no *wonder* I can catch up with you so fast after you've had four years of biology." They had wasted all their time memorizing stuff like that, when it could be looked up in fifteen minutes.
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one

-Henrietta Barett
- Julia Quinn
Minx
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - "
“Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”
“Stalk me.”
“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?"
"I though it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house at night and throw up in his mailbox.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were not pretending to love it.
- Amy Sedaris
Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, well, food's one of the five exceptions to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfigurations," said Ron, to general astonishment.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. “Of course not, Ian. It’s just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard.
- Jeaniene Frost
At Grave's End
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on.
- Nick Hornby
A Long Way Down
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.
- Tonya Hurley
Ghostgirl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm so pretty, it's hard for me to think of myself as intelligent.
- Jim Butcher
Dead Beat
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hearts can't be broken because they're made of marzipan.
- Kerstin Gier
Smaragdgrün
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, man, you know what they say."
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them.
- Bo Burnham
Egghead; or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Princess
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Riley : "Do you want to claw at me, kitty-cat? Come on."
Mercy: "Sorry, I don't beat defenseless puppies.
- Nalini Singh
Branded by Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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