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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
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Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.”

Day plasters a giant artificial smile on his face. As charming as ever. “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I got my arm around the prettiest escort on this block—how could I not be lusting over you? Don’t I look like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me.

He looks so ridiculous that I can’t help laughing. Another passerby glances at me. “Much better.
- Marie Lu
Prodigy
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Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
The Power of Myth
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Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?
Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
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Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.
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The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, 'If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.'

Said Diogenes, 'Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king".
- Anthony de Mello
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I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said.
"Brown?" said Isabelle.
"Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said.
"Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said.
"Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband.
"Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another
- Alan Bennett
The History Boys
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We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles."
"That's not precisely true, is it?" said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and a roguish expression. Clary had no idea where he'd come from. "You lot have used the help of warlocks on more than one occasion in the past, and paid handsomely for it too."
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. "Filthy inside and out.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And besides . . . I don’t want to leave you. Er, you guys.”

He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. “Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”

I grinned back.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
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When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
- Henry Rollins
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You didn't have to come after me."
"Yes, I did," he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me."
"That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you."
"Forgive me? Fro what?"
"Fro telling me to shut up."
His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-"
"Never mind.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...
- Sophie Kinsella
Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
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Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
- Christopher Moore
The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
- Jen Lancaster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- John Callahan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
- Eddie Izzard
Glorious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
- Lili St. Crow
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Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him.

He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"

Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"
I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."

Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter."
"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said.

"S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.”

Day plasters a giant artificial smile on his face. As charming as ever. “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I got my arm around the prettiest escort on this block—how could I not be lusting over you? Don’t I look like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me.

He looks so ridiculous that I can’t help laughing. Another passerby glances at me. “Much better.
- Marie Lu
Prodigy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
The Power of Myth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?
Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, 'If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.'

Said Diogenes, 'Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king".
- Anthony de Mello
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said.
"Brown?" said Isabelle.
"Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said.
"Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said.
"Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband.
"Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another
- Alan Bennett
The History Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles."
"That's not precisely true, is it?" said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and a roguish expression. Clary had no idea where he'd come from. "You lot have used the help of warlocks on more than one occasion in the past, and paid handsomely for it too."
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. "Filthy inside and out.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And besides . . . I don’t want to leave you. Er, you guys.”

He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. “Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”

I grinned back.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
- Henry Rollins
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You didn't have to come after me."
"Yes, I did," he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me."
"That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you."
"Forgive me? Fro what?"
"Fro telling me to shut up."
His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-"
"Never mind.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...
- Sophie Kinsella
Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
- Christopher Moore
The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
- Jen Lancaster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- John Callahan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
- Eddie Izzard
Glorious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
- Lili St. Crow
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him.

He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"

Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"
I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."

Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter."
"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said.

"S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck
- Simone Elkeles
Rules of Attraction
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well enough,” I reply. “Remember, you’re drunk. And happy. You’re supposed to be lusting over your escort. Try smiling a little more.”

Day plasters a giant artificial smile on his face. As charming as ever. “Aw, come on, sweetheart. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I got my arm around the prettiest escort on this block—how could I not be lusting over you? Don’t I look like I’m lusting? This is me, lusting.” His lashes flutter at me.

He looks so ridiculous that I can’t help laughing. Another passerby glances at me. “Much better.
- Marie Lu
Prodigy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
The Power of Myth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?
Bethany: I wouldn't say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.
- Alexandra Adornetto
Halo
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some have brains, and some haven't, ... and there it is.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The philosopher Diogenes was eating bread and lentils for supper. He was seen by the philosopher Aristippus, who lived comfortably by flattering the king. Said Aristippus, 'If you would learn to be subservient to the king you would not have to live on lentils.'

Said Diogenes, 'Learn to live on lentils and you will not have to be subservient to the king".
- Anthony de Mello
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said.
"Brown?" said Isabelle.
"Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said.
"Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said.
"Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband.
"Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How do I define history? It's just one fucking thing after another
- Alan Bennett
The History Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles."
"That's not precisely true, is it?" said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and a roguish expression. Clary had no idea where he'd come from. "You lot have used the help of warlocks on more than one occasion in the past, and paid handsomely for it too."
Malachi scowled. "I don't remember the Clave inviting you into the Glass City, Magnus Bane."
"They didn't," Magnus said. "Your wards are down."
"Really?" the Consul's voice dripped sarcasm. "I hadn't noticed."
Magnus looked concerned. "That's terrible. Someone should have told you." He glanced at Luke. "Tell him the wards are down.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. "Filthy inside and out.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And besides . . . I don’t want to leave you. Er, you guys.”

He smiled, and it lit up his whole face. “Well, ‘we’ are certainly happy to hear that. Oh, and I’m also happy to watch our darling little love child dragon while you’re in St. Louis.”

I grinned back.
- Richelle Mead
The Indigo Spell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?
- Henry Rollins
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You didn't have to come after me."
"Yes, I did," he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me."
"That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you."
"Forgive me? Fro what?"
"Fro telling me to shut up."
His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-"
"Never mind.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I behave as though this is a completely normal situation, then maybe it will be ...
- Sophie Kinsella
Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.
- Christopher Moore
The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.
- Jen Lancaster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw."

He immediately purchased the book and returned it to the friend with a second inscription: "With renewed esteem, George Bernard Shaw.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- John Callahan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.
- Eddie Izzard
Glorious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- Graham Chapman
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Book): Mønti Pythøn Ik Den Hølie Gräilen
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
- Lili St. Crow
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him.

He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"

Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"
I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."

Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter."
"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said.

"S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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90
91
92
93
94
 		...