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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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And so the Universe ended.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
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Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Sirens of Titan
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My name is Nicomo Cosca, famed solider of fortune, and I am here for dinner.
- Joe Abercrombie
Best Served Cold
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Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said.
"You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin.
She's interesting when she's forthright."
Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
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I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.
- Nicole McKay
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary
Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)

Addiction - When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
Cocaine - Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Depression - When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can't seem to stop.
Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Psychosis - When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don't care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Nikki Sixx
The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.
- Janet Evanovich
Eleven on Top
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.
- William Shakespeare
The Complete Works
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been a Wiccan?'
'A what?'
'A pagan. A witch.'
'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'
Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?'
'Wizard has a Z'
He looked at me blankly.
'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.
I turned around and ran like hell.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She asked, "Okay, wait, so why is Ronan at the library?"
"Cramming," Noah said. "For an exam on Monday."
It was the nicest thing Blue had ever heard of Ronan doing.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.
- Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?"
"What, bored with my company already?"
"Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?"
"What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No headboards were broken.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn't believe it was only Wednesday. And it was made worse when he realized it was actually Tuesday.
- T.J. Klune
The House in the Cerulean Sea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know I'm petty and I don't care.

- Kenji
- Tahereh Mafi
Defy Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And so the Universe ended.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Sirens of Titan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My name is Nicomo Cosca, famed solider of fortune, and I am here for dinner.
- Joe Abercrombie
Best Served Cold
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said.
"You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin.
She's interesting when she's forthright."
Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.
- Nicole McKay
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary
Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)

Addiction - When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
Cocaine - Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Depression - When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can't seem to stop.
Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Psychosis - When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don't care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Nikki Sixx
The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.
- Janet Evanovich
Eleven on Top
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.
- William Shakespeare
The Complete Works
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been a Wiccan?'
'A what?'
'A pagan. A witch.'
'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'
Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?'
'Wizard has a Z'
He looked at me blankly.
'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.
I turned around and ran like hell.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She asked, "Okay, wait, so why is Ronan at the library?"
"Cramming," Noah said. "For an exam on Monday."
It was the nicest thing Blue had ever heard of Ronan doing.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.
- Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?"
"What, bored with my company already?"
"Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?"
"What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No headboards were broken.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn't believe it was only Wednesday. And it was made worse when he realized it was actually Tuesday.
- T.J. Klune
The House in the Cerulean Sea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know I'm petty and I don't care.

- Kenji
- Tahereh Mafi
Defy Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And so the Universe ended.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Sirens of Titan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My name is Nicomo Cosca, famed solider of fortune, and I am here for dinner.
- Joe Abercrombie
Best Served Cold
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said.
"You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin.
She's interesting when she's forthright."
Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.
- Nicole McKay
I Had a Dream About You
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A Short Alternative Medical Dictionary
Definitions courtesy of Dr Lemuel Pillmeister (also known as Lemmy)

Addiction - When you can give up something any time, as long as it's next Tuesday.
Cocaine - Peruvian Marching Powder. A stimulant that has the extraordinary effect that the more you do, the more you laugh out of context.
Depression - When everything you laugh at is miserable and you can't seem to stop.
Heroin - A drug that helps you to escape reality, while making it much harder to cope when you are recaptured.
Psychosis - When everybody turns into tiny dolls and they have needles in their mouths and they hate you and you don't care because you have THE KNIFE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- Nikki Sixx
The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.
- Rick Riordan
The Hammer of Thor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.
- Janet Evanovich
Eleven on Top
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua give.

You should be nice to people, even creeps.
And if you:
a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, he would say) (and)
d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c)
then you would:
e) live forever
f) someplace nice
g) probably heavan
However, if you:
h) sinned (and/or)
i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
j) valued things over people (and)
k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
then you were:
l) fucked
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who knows himself a braggart, let him fear this, for it will come to pass that every braggart shall be found an ass.
- William Shakespeare
The Complete Works
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How long have you been a Wiccan?'
'A what?'
'A pagan. A witch.'
'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.'
Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?'
'Wizard has a Z'
He looked at me blankly.
'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.
I turned around and ran like hell.
- Jim Butcher
Death Masks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She asked, "Okay, wait, so why is Ronan at the library?"
"Cramming," Noah said. "For an exam on Monday."
It was the nicest thing Blue had ever heard of Ronan doing.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Down there between our legs, it's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. Who designed that?
- Neil deGrasse Tyson
Space Chronicles: Facing the Ultimate Frontier
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.
- Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?"
"What, bored with my company already?"
"Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?"
"What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No headboards were broken.
- John Green
The Fault in Our Stars
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He couldn't believe it was only Wednesday. And it was made worse when he realized it was actually Tuesday.
- T.J. Klune
The House in the Cerulean Sea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anything that doesn't take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
- Ellen DeGeneres
Seriously... I'm Kidding
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
His gaze slid over me like a veil of fire. He could ignite my deepest desires with a single glance. I decided right then and there no more reading romance novels by candelight.
- Darynda Jones
Second Grave on the Left
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know I'm petty and I don't care.

- Kenji
- Tahereh Mafi
Defy Me
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
92
93
94
95
96
 		...