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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I knew you were crazy, but I didn't realize that you were out of your goddamned mind!!
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
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I can chase you, and I can catch you,
but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
- Ogden Nash
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Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)
- Kresley Cole
Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night
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You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?”
“Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?
- Patricia Briggs
Blood Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.
- Roger Zelazny
Sign of the Unicorn
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TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
- Ramon Bautista
Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sat up and the blankets fell away.I looked down and found I was wearing pokemon pajamas.
"Sadie,"I said,"I'm going to kill you."
She batted her eyes innocently."But the street merchant gave us a very good deal on those.Walt said they would fit you."
Walt raised his hand."Don't blame me,man.I tried to stick up for you."
Bes snorted,then did a pretty good imitation of Walt's voice:"At least get the extra-large ones with Pikachu.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
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One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
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I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.
- Michael Grant
Gone
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You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."

COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook
The Wizardry Compiled
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CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
- Jen Campbell
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.
- Meg Cabot
Reunion
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I like pancakes.
- Brandon Mull
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind if you forget me.
Having learned my lesson,
I never left an impression on anyone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
- Louise Rennison
Stop in the Name of Pants!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew you were crazy, but I didn't realize that you were out of your goddamned mind!!
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can chase you, and I can catch you,
but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)
- Kresley Cole
Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?”
“Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?
- Patricia Briggs
Blood Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.
- Roger Zelazny
Sign of the Unicorn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
- Ramon Bautista
Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sat up and the blankets fell away.I looked down and found I was wearing pokemon pajamas.
"Sadie,"I said,"I'm going to kill you."
She batted her eyes innocently."But the street merchant gave us a very good deal on those.Walt said they would fit you."
Walt raised his hand."Don't blame me,man.I tried to stick up for you."
Bes snorted,then did a pretty good imitation of Walt's voice:"At least get the extra-large ones with Pikachu.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.
- Michael Grant
Gone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."

COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook
The Wizardry Compiled
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
- Jen Campbell
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.
- Meg Cabot
Reunion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like pancakes.
- Brandon Mull
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind if you forget me.
Having learned my lesson,
I never left an impression on anyone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
- Louise Rennison
Stop in the Name of Pants!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I knew you were crazy, but I didn't realize that you were out of your goddamned mind!!
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I can chase you, and I can catch you,
but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Darwin says people like you need to die.” (Carrow)
- Kresley Cole
Wicked Deeds on a Winter's Night
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?”
“Mmm,” I said. “I give up. What's the use of having a man in the house?
- Patricia Briggs
Blood Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!
- Richard P. Feynman
Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!: Adventures of a Curious Character
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.
- Roger Zelazny
Sign of the Unicorn
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
TANDAAN: mahirap mafriendzone, pero madali lang gumanti!
- Ramon Bautista
Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am too tired, I must try to rest and sleep, otherwise I am lost in every respect. What an effort to keep alive! Erecting a monument does not require an expenditure of so much strength.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
- Bill Watterson
There's Treasure Everywhere
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sat up and the blankets fell away.I looked down and found I was wearing pokemon pajamas.
"Sadie,"I said,"I'm going to kill you."
She batted her eyes innocently."But the street merchant gave us a very good deal on those.Walt said they would fit you."
Walt raised his hand."Don't blame me,man.I tried to stick up for you."
Bes snorted,then did a pretty good imitation of Walt's voice:"At least get the extra-large ones with Pikachu.
- Rick Riordan
The Throne of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn’t believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs.
- Patricia Briggs
Moon Called
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a polynomial once. My doctor removed it.
- Michael Grant
Gone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog."

COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED
- Ernest Cline
Ready Player One
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rick Cook
The Wizardry Compiled
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called "Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.
- Jen Campbell
Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.
- Jeaniene Frost
Halfway to the Grave
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This was very exciting. I'd never had two boys get into a fight over me before. The fact that one of the boys was my stepbrother, however, and held about as much romantic appeal for me as Max, the family dog, somewhat dampened my enthusiasm. And Michael wasn't much of a catch, either, when you actually thought about it, being a potential murderer and all. Oh, why did I have to have such a couple of losers fighting over me? Why couldn't Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight over me? Now that would be truly excellent.
- Meg Cabot
Reunion
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I like pancakes.
- Brandon Mull
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't mind if you forget me.
Having learned my lesson,
I never left an impression on anyone.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Rosie get off your desk, and please put your beard away.
- Louise Rennison
Stop in the Name of Pants!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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93
94
95
96
97
 		...