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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Hell's bells, irony blows.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
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I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
- Margaret Atwood
The Blind Assassin
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Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.
- Gillian Flynn
Gone Girl
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I thought they were helping me. I was so full of trust in them that I felt grateful as they carried me in the air. Only when they threw me overboard did I begin to have doubts.
- Yann Martel
Life of Pi
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The day I can't pull something useful out of my ass is the day I quit sticking things up my ass.
- Sean Gibson
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[Leo] lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was too quick. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Jason’s head, did a flip, and landed next to Leo, his hairy arms around Leo’s waist.
“Save me?” the dwarf pleaded.
“Get off!” Leo tried to shove him away, but Passalos did a backward somersault and landed out of reach. Leo’s pants promptly fell around his knees.
He stared at Passalos, who was now grinning and holding a small zigzaggy strip of metal. Somehow, the dwarf had stolen the zipper right off Leo’s pants.
“Give—stupid—zipper!” Leo stuttered, trying to shake his fist and hoist up his pants at the same time.
“Eh, not shiny enough.” Passalos tossed it away.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
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There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.
"No, sir," David said. "But thank you for asking." The students around them laughed, but Mr. james didn't look pleased. Laurel leaned back and grinned. David, one. Teacher who wishes he was as smart as David? Zero
- Aprilynne Pike
Wings
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If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell
- General Philip Henry Sheridan
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Holy mother of rectangles.
- Dan Howell
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Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
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Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?" He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
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Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.
- Stephen Fry
Moab Is My Washpot
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wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it
- Bob Ross
The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, Vol. 29
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A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
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It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
- Brandon Mull
Keys to the Demon Prison
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No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.
- Robert Half
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Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
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Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves
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I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.
- Garth Marenghi
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You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.
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And Mega has a crush on Chester."
"I do not!"
"Do too, Mega."
"He's like, old!"
"How old, Christian says."
"Like at least thirty or something."
Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?"
"Dude," I agree. I like Lor.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell's bells, irony blows.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
- Margaret Atwood
The Blind Assassin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.
- Gillian Flynn
Gone Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought they were helping me. I was so full of trust in them that I felt grateful as they carried me in the air. Only when they threw me overboard did I begin to have doubts.
- Yann Martel
Life of Pi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The day I can't pull something useful out of my ass is the day I quit sticking things up my ass.
- Sean Gibson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
[Leo] lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was too quick. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Jason’s head, did a flip, and landed next to Leo, his hairy arms around Leo’s waist.
“Save me?” the dwarf pleaded.
“Get off!” Leo tried to shove him away, but Passalos did a backward somersault and landed out of reach. Leo’s pants promptly fell around his knees.
He stared at Passalos, who was now grinning and holding a small zigzaggy strip of metal. Somehow, the dwarf had stolen the zipper right off Leo’s pants.
“Give—stupid—zipper!” Leo stuttered, trying to shake his fist and hoist up his pants at the same time.
“Eh, not shiny enough.” Passalos tossed it away.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.
"No, sir," David said. "But thank you for asking." The students around them laughed, but Mr. james didn't look pleased. Laurel leaned back and grinned. David, one. Teacher who wishes he was as smart as David? Zero
- Aprilynne Pike
Wings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell
- General Philip Henry Sheridan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Holy mother of rectangles.
- Dan Howell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?" He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.
- Stephen Fry
Moab Is My Washpot
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it
- Bob Ross
The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, Vol. 29
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
- Brandon Mull
Keys to the Demon Prison
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.
- Robert Half
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.
- Garth Marenghi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And Mega has a crush on Chester."
"I do not!"
"Do too, Mega."
"He's like, old!"
"How old, Christian says."
"Like at least thirty or something."
Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?"
"Dude," I agree. I like Lor.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell's bells, irony blows.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not senile," I snapped. "If I burn the house down it will be on purpose.
- Margaret Atwood
The Blind Assassin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.
- Gillian Flynn
Gone Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought they were helping me. I was so full of trust in them that I felt grateful as they carried me in the air. Only when they threw me overboard did I begin to have doubts.
- Yann Martel
Life of Pi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The day I can't pull something useful out of my ass is the day I quit sticking things up my ass.
- Sean Gibson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
[Leo] lunged at Passalos, but the red-furred dwarf was too quick. He sprang from his chair, bounced off Jason’s head, did a flip, and landed next to Leo, his hairy arms around Leo’s waist.
“Save me?” the dwarf pleaded.
“Get off!” Leo tried to shove him away, but Passalos did a backward somersault and landed out of reach. Leo’s pants promptly fell around his knees.
He stared at Passalos, who was now grinning and holding a small zigzaggy strip of metal. Somehow, the dwarf had stolen the zipper right off Leo’s pants.
“Give—stupid—zipper!” Leo stuttered, trying to shake his fist and hoist up his pants at the same time.
“Eh, not shiny enough.” Passalos tossed it away.
- Rick Riordan
The House of Hades
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Laurel, David? Would you like to share the joke with the rest of the class?" he asked, one hand on his skinny hip.
"No, sir," David said. "But thank you for asking." The students around them laughed, but Mr. james didn't look pleased. Laurel leaned back and grinned. David, one. Teacher who wishes he was as smart as David? Zero
- Aprilynne Pike
Wings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell
- General Philip Henry Sheridan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Holy mother of rectangles.
- Dan Howell
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Michael had to pound me a couple of times to convince me not to go stage a rescue." Shane shrugged. "He hits like a girl, for a vampire.
- Rachel Caine
Ghost Town
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?" He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.
- Stephanie Perkins
Anna and the French Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.
- Stephen Fry
Moab Is My Washpot
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
wash the brush, just beats the devil out of it
- Bob Ross
The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross, Vol. 29
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.
- Jim Butcher
Blood Rites
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.
- Brandon Mull
Keys to the Demon Prison
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.
- Robert Half
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.
- Sarah Rees Brennan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Right Ho, Jeeves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I know writers who use subtext, and they're all cowards.
- Garth Marenghi
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby back ribs cookoff.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
And Mega has a crush on Chester."
"I do not!"
"Do too, Mega."
"He's like, old!"
"How old, Christian says."
"Like at least thirty or something."
Lor laughs. " Fucking ancient, ain't it, kid?"
"Dude," I agree. I like Lor.
- Karen Marie Moning
Iced
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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97
98
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