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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
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People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
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We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
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Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
- Neil Gaiman
Anansi Boys
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You fuck - you ate my cat!
- Kendare Blake
Anna Dressed in Blood
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Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
“No, sir,” said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
“Was there?”
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ.
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge
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It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
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Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
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If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
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Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
- E. B. White
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As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
- Calvin Trillin
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr
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I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
- Bette Davis
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I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
- Ogden Nash
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne
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As for our majority... one is enough.
- Benjamin Disraeli
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
- Neil Gaiman
Anansi Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You fuck - you ate my cat!
- Kendare Blake
Anna Dressed in Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
“No, sir,” said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
“Was there?”
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ.
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
- E. B. White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
- Calvin Trillin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
- Bette Davis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As for our majority... one is enough.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
- Logan Pearsall Smith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time.
- Neil Gaiman
Anansi Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You fuck - you ate my cat!
- Kendare Blake
Anna Dressed in Blood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn’t entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
“No, sir,” said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
“Was there?”
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
- William Lyon Phelps
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
- E. B. White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
- Calvin Trillin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
- Bette Davis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
- James Brown
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
- Ogden Nash
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As for our majority... one is enough.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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