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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Don't talk to me."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
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Some people have lives; some people have music.
- John Green
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
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Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
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Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
"In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations."
"You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken.
"Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit."
"I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing."
"Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
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I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?"
"I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"

"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.

"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"

"A pit full of fire."

"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"

"No, sir."

"What must you do to avoid it?"

I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it."
Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
"I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
- Howard Nemerov
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
- Gertrude Stein
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't talk to me."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people have lives; some people have music.
- John Green
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
"In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations."
"You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken.
"Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit."
"I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing."
"Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?"
"I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"

"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.

"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"

"A pit full of fire."

"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"

"No, sir."

"What must you do to avoid it?"

I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it."
Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
"I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
- Howard Nemerov
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
- Gertrude Stein
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't talk to me."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people have lives; some people have music.
- John Green
Will Grayson, Will Grayson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.
- Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored.
"In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations."
"You invited him into bed?" Simon demanded, looking shaken.
"Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit."
"I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing."
"Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love you like a fat kid loves cake!
- Scott Adams
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your friend's poetry is terrible," he said.
Clary blinked, caught momentarily off guard. "What?"
"I said his poetry was terrible. It sounds like he ate a dictionary and started vomiting up words at random.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Beautiful face. Beautiful body. Horrible attitude. It was the holy trinity of hot boys.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Because you can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they're not paying attention.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"

"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.

"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"

"A pit full of fire."

"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"

"No, sir."

"What must you do to avoid it?"

I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it."
Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
"I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
- Howard Nemerov
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much, doing nothing, really doing nothing.
- Gertrude Stein
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.
- Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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