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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.
- Pseudonymous Bosch
The Name of This Book Is Secret
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So, Belle, what's new today?"

Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."

Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.
- Harvard Lampoon
Nightlight: A Parody
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt." - Stevie Rae
- P.C. Cast
Burned
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
- Simon R. Green
Nightingale's Lament
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
- David Wong
This Book Is Full of Spiders
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Falling in love is painful on the knees.
- Bon Jovi
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
- Kristen Ashley
The Gamble
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king.
- lauren kate
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.
- Mindy Kaling
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Tessa: "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
Will: "I've never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Jeeves in the Morning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.
- Allie Brosh
Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Shut up!" Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!"
"You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Griggs." Anson Choi feigns surprise. "What's her name?"
"I didn't actually catch her name," Griggs continues.
"Lily," Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look.
"Great to know that I'm in love with a girl with a cool name."
"It's Taylor's middle name," Raffaela calls back again.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
- Patricia Briggs
Silver Borne
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
At least I'm not a font nerd."
"A what?"
Matt smiled. "You know. People who love fonts. There are people who go to a movie and get agitated because, while the movie is supposed to be set in 1962, the restaurant awning shown in the background of some scene is printed in Arras Bold, which wasn't invented until 1991, so clearly the producers of the movie are insane and should be beheaded.
- Jessica Park
Flat-Out Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Topic: Funny
Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.
- Pseudonymous Bosch
The Name of This Book Is Secret
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So, Belle, what's new today?"

Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."

Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.
- Harvard Lampoon
Nightlight: A Parody
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt." - Stevie Rae
- P.C. Cast
Burned
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
- Simon R. Green
Nightingale's Lament
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
- David Wong
This Book Is Full of Spiders
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Falling in love is painful on the knees.
- Bon Jovi
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
- Kristen Ashley
The Gamble
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king.
- lauren kate
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.
- Mindy Kaling
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Tessa: "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
Will: "I've never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Jeeves in the Morning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.
- Allie Brosh
Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Shut up!" Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!"
"You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Griggs." Anson Choi feigns surprise. "What's her name?"
"I didn't actually catch her name," Griggs continues.
"Lily," Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look.
"Great to know that I'm in love with a girl with a cool name."
"It's Taylor's middle name," Raffaela calls back again.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
- Patricia Briggs
Silver Borne
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
At least I'm not a font nerd."
"A what?"
Matt smiled. "You know. People who love fonts. There are people who go to a movie and get agitated because, while the movie is supposed to be set in 1962, the restaurant awning shown in the background of some scene is printed in Arras Bold, which wasn't invented until 1991, so clearly the producers of the movie are insane and should be beheaded.
- Jessica Park
Flat-Out Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Topic: Funny
Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
*Appendix usually means "small outgrowth from large intestine," but in this case it means "additional information accompanying main text." Or are those really the same things? Think carefully before you insult this book.
- Pseudonymous Bosch
The Name of This Book Is Secret
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So, Belle, what's new today?"

Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."

Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.
- Harvard Lampoon
Nightlight: A Parody
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?
- Eoin Colfer
The Lost Colony
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt." - Stevie Rae
- P.C. Cast
Burned
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.
- P.G. Wodehouse
The Girl in Blue
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...
- Simon R. Green
Nightingale's Lament
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay
- David Wong
This Book Is Full of Spiders
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Falling in love is painful on the knees.
- Bon Jovi
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I looked to the ceiling and told God, “God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission.
- Kristen Ashley
The Gamble
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king.
- lauren kate
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.
- Mindy Kaling
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Tessa: "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
Will: "I've never swum naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.
- Cassandra Clare
Clockwork Prince
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet.
- P.G. Wodehouse
Jeeves in the Morning
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children.
- Allie Brosh
Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Shut up!" Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!"
"You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome,
- Rachel Caine
Last Breath
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’
Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.
Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.
No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
With the world securely in order, Dain was able to devote the leisurely bath time to editing his mental dictionary. He removed his wife from the general category labeled "Females" and gave her a section of her own. He made a note that she didn't find him revolting, and proposed several explanations: (a) bad eyesight and faulty hearing, (b)a defect in a portion of her otherwise sound intellect, (c) an inherited Trent eccentricity, or (d) an act of God. Since the Almighty had not done him a single act of kindness in at least twenty-five years, Dain thought it was about bloody time, but he thanked his Heavenly Father all the same, and promised to be as good as he was capable of being.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Griggs." Anson Choi feigns surprise. "What's her name?"
"I didn't actually catch her name," Griggs continues.
"Lily," Raffaela says over her shoulder and this time I give her a sideways look.
"Great to know that I'm in love with a girl with a cool name."
"It's Taylor's middle name," Raffaela calls back again.
- Melina Marchetta
On the Jellicoe Road
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Oh that looked painful," called another Puck, a little farther down. "We really need to talk about your anger-management problems.
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron King
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Where does a werewolf sleep? Anywhere he wants to.
- Patricia Briggs
Silver Borne
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
At least I'm not a font nerd."
"A what?"
Matt smiled. "You know. People who love fonts. There are people who go to a movie and get agitated because, while the movie is supposed to be set in 1962, the restaurant awning shown in the background of some scene is printed in Arras Bold, which wasn't invented until 1991, so clearly the producers of the movie are insane and should be beheaded.
- Jessica Park
Flat-Out Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Topic: Funny
Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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