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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Topic: Funny
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Success
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Topic: Funny
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Success
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
XXX
NOT YET RATING ▼
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Topic: Funny
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Success
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
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