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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
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Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
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What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
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Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
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I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dear God in heaven.”
Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.”
“Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!
- Shelly Laurenston
Here Kitty, Kitty!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding
- Jesse Andrews
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us.
- Richelle Mead
The Fiery Heart
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What's that?"
"That's my attack poodle.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Bluestar blinked. "There are cats who would argue that there should never have been a fifth Clan in the forest at all. Why are there four oaks at Fourtrees, if not to stand for the four Clans?"
Firestar gazed up at the massive oak trees, then back at Bluestar. Fury pure as a lighting flash rushed through his body. "Are you mouse-brained?" he snarled. "Are you telling me SkyClan had to leave because there weren't enough trees?
- Erin Hunter
Firestar's Quest
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..
- Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift Songbook: Guitar Recorded Versions
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Insanity runs in my family, it practically gallops
- Joseph Kesselring
Arsenic and Old Lace
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm trying to make some sense out of the phrase "Everything happens for a reason," and I think I've figured out what the reason is - to pissed me off.
- Cecilia Ahern
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!
- Rick Riordan
The Sea of Monsters
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!
- Jasper Fforde
Lost in a Good Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
God, if you ever loved me, open my eyes for me when I'm being this stupid! (Ron)
- Kim Harrison
Once Dead, Twice Shy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know where people got the idea that characters in books are supposed to be likable. Books are not in the business of creating merely likeable characters with whom you can have some simple identification with. Books are in the business of creating great stories that make you're brain go ahhbdgbdmerhbergurhbudgerbudbaaarr.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

- Dark Jar Tin Zoo
Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."

"Well, that's your mistake, not mine.
- Julie Kagawa
The Eternity Cure
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some people talk about other people’s failures with so much pleasure that you would swear they are talking about their own successes.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Bill Cosby
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit."
Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats.
- Rick Riordan
The Son of Neptune
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?
- Chetan Bhagat
2 States: The Story of My Marriage
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...
- Bohumil Hrabal
I Served the King of England
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So . . . ," I said. "You're saying that by the end of our training, you expect us to be able to use grappling hooks made of energy to smash our enemies with flaming chunks of space debris?"
"Yes."
"That . . . ," I whispered, "that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ambulances were cool. “You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts,” I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn’t leave someone’s life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn’t alien-probe his orifices.
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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