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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.
- Jim Henson
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Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?
- Marti Noxon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
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Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
- Jennifer Crusie
Welcome to Temptation
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
- Aesop
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Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
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I don’t know who YOU think you’re kidding you Hufflepuff-ass bitch
- Casey McQuiston
Red, White & Royal Blue
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Before I leave the bathroom, I pinch my cheeks hard to bring blood to the surface of my skin. It’s stupid, but I don’t want to look weak and exhausted in front of everyone.

When I walk back into Tobias’s room, Uriah is sprawled across the bed facedown; Christina is holding the blue sculpture above Tobias’s desk, examining it; and Lynn is poised above Uriah with a pillow, a wicked grin creeping across her face.

Lynn smacks Uriah hard in the back of the head, Christina says, “Hey Tris!” and Uriah cries, “Ow! How on earth do you make a pillow hurt, Lynn?”

“My exceptional strength,” she says. “Did you get smacked, Tris? One of your cheeks is bright red.”

I must not have pinched the other one hard enough. “No, it’s just … my morning glow.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.
- Margaret Cho
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I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
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Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.
- Heather Brewer
Twelfth Grade Kills
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I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."
I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine."
- Jen Lancaster
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A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred!
- Andrzej Sapkowski
The Last Wish
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"I'm told I have the body of a god."
"A Greek god, or one of those gods with the horse heads or elephant's legs coming out of their chests?" Alan asked. "Next time someone tells you that, ask them to specify."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
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"I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me.
I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first." ~Cassandra Palmer
- Karen Chance
Hunt the Moon
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"Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house." Simon pointed at Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
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He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.
A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”
Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once.
I most certainly do, he seemed to say.
- Sarah J. Maas
Heir of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.
- Stephen Fry
Revenge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Princess Andromeda?"
"Went ka-boom.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch
- Keisha Keenleyside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.
- Jim Henson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?
- Marti Noxon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
- Jennifer Crusie
Welcome to Temptation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
- Aesop
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don’t know who YOU think you’re kidding you Hufflepuff-ass bitch
- Casey McQuiston
Red, White & Royal Blue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before I leave the bathroom, I pinch my cheeks hard to bring blood to the surface of my skin. It’s stupid, but I don’t want to look weak and exhausted in front of everyone.

When I walk back into Tobias’s room, Uriah is sprawled across the bed facedown; Christina is holding the blue sculpture above Tobias’s desk, examining it; and Lynn is poised above Uriah with a pillow, a wicked grin creeping across her face.

Lynn smacks Uriah hard in the back of the head, Christina says, “Hey Tris!” and Uriah cries, “Ow! How on earth do you make a pillow hurt, Lynn?”

“My exceptional strength,” she says. “Did you get smacked, Tris? One of your cheeks is bright red.”

I must not have pinched the other one hard enough. “No, it’s just … my morning glow.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.
- Margaret Cho
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.
- Heather Brewer
Twelfth Grade Kills
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."
I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine."
- Jen Lancaster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred!
- Andrzej Sapkowski
The Last Wish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'm told I have the body of a god."
"A Greek god, or one of those gods with the horse heads or elephant's legs coming out of their chests?" Alan asked. "Next time someone tells you that, ask them to specify."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me.
I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first." ~Cassandra Palmer
- Karen Chance
Hunt the Moon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house." Simon pointed at Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.
A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”
Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once.
I most certainly do, he seemed to say.
- Sarah J. Maas
Heir of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.
- Stephen Fry
Revenge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Princess Andromeda?"
"Went ka-boom.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch
- Keisha Keenleyside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.
- Jim Henson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — 'Cuppa tea, cuppa tea... almost got shagged... cuppa tea'?
- Marti Noxon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Things on the essential list: vodka, Nine Inch Nails, a steady supply of mortal men, and an all-purpose bitchy attitude.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.
- Jennifer Crusie
Welcome to Temptation
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
- Aesop
Avg Rating: 5.0 ★Rate This Quote
Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are.
- Ann Coulter
If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don’t know who YOU think you’re kidding you Hufflepuff-ass bitch
- Casey McQuiston
Red, White & Royal Blue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Before I leave the bathroom, I pinch my cheeks hard to bring blood to the surface of my skin. It’s stupid, but I don’t want to look weak and exhausted in front of everyone.

When I walk back into Tobias’s room, Uriah is sprawled across the bed facedown; Christina is holding the blue sculpture above Tobias’s desk, examining it; and Lynn is poised above Uriah with a pillow, a wicked grin creeping across her face.

Lynn smacks Uriah hard in the back of the head, Christina says, “Hey Tris!” and Uriah cries, “Ow! How on earth do you make a pillow hurt, Lynn?”

“My exceptional strength,” she says. “Did you get smacked, Tris? One of your cheeks is bright red.”

I must not have pinched the other one hard enough. “No, it’s just … my morning glow.
- Veronica Roth
Insurgent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
George Bush isn't Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.
- Margaret Cho
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I’ve had a tense couple of days. And I’ve got to tell you, burning someone’s face off sounds like a great way to relax.
- Jim Butcher
Small Favor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.
- Heather Brewer
Twelfth Grade Kills
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."
I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine."
- Jen Lancaster
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred!
- Andrzej Sapkowski
The Last Wish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I'm told I have the body of a god."
"A Greek god, or one of those gods with the horse heads or elephant's legs coming out of their chests?" Alan asked. "Next time someone tells you that, ask them to specify."
- Sarah Rees Brennan
The Demon's Covenant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me.
I’d have been a lot more appreciative if he hadn’t pushed me first." ~Cassandra Palmer
- Karen Chance
Hunt the Moon
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house." Simon pointed at Jace.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.
A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”
Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once.
I most certainly do, he seemed to say.
- Sarah J. Maas
Heir of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.
- Stephen Fry
Revenge
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Princess Andromeda?"
"Went ka-boom.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch
- Keisha Keenleyside
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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