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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
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...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
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College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
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You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
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When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
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Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just as the door opens, I look intently at the screen and act like I'm still chatting with her mother. '--And she stuck her finger in my ass when she was blowing me, which was fucking incredible. I never thought I'd enjoy having anything up there, but--'
Grace screams in horror.
- Elle Kennedy
The Mistake
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...honestly I'm having a proper full-on GAY PANIC.
- Alice Oseman
Heartstopper: Volume Two
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
College is fun as long as you don't die.
- Tsugumi Ohba
Death Note, Vol. 4: Love
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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