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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Topic: Funny
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Topic: Funny
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
- Chelsea Fine
Awry
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Barzûl!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Topic: Funny
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Topic: Funny
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
- Chelsea Fine
Awry
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Barzûl!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Could you just call me Pigeon?” he asked the teacher when she read his name.
“Does your mother call you Pigeon?”
“No.”
“Then to me you are Paul.”
...
“Nathan Sutter,” the teacher read.
“My mother never calls me Nathan.”
“Is it Nate?”
“She calls me Honeylips.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
You can't save everyone, though God knows you try.
- Richelle Mead
Shadow Kiss
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Of course. Because at the Gallagher Academy, "precautions" usually equals "voluntary shock therapy."
- Ally Carter
Out of Sight, Out of Time
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out
- Chris Colfer
Struck By Lightning: The Carson Phillips Journal
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen," Puck said.
"How cool will it be when it kills us?" Sabrina asked.
"Considerably less cool," Puck replied.
- Michael Buckley
The Everafter War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Yo, cop. We're heading for Screamer's. You wanna come?"

Butch looked up at the doorway. Vishous was in the hall with Rhage and Phury behind him. The vampires had expectant looks on their faces, like they honestly wanted to hang with him.

Butch found himself grinning like the new kid who didn't have to sit alone at lunch after all.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?
- Jennifer Egan
A Visit from the Goon Squad
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
What’s this ”
“A needle.”
“What should I do with it ” He’d walked right into it. Too easy.
“Please use it to pop your head. It’s obscuring my view of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Bleeds
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I box in yellow Gox box socks.
- Dr. Seuss
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.
- Steven Pressfield
The Virtues of War
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.
- Alexandra Potter
You're The One That I Don't Want
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Wonder why we can do this,' he called out with his mind. The mental effort of speaking to her was already straining—he felt a headache forming like a bulge in his brain.
'Maybe we were lovers,' Teresa said.
Thomas tripped and crashed to the ground. Smiling sheepishly at Minho, who’d turned to look without slowing, Thomas got back up and caught up to him.
'What?' he finally asked. He sensed a laugh from her, a watery image full of color.
- James Dashner
The Maze Runner
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Yes you're getting your tattoo."
I threw my arms around Dad's neck. "Thank you!"
"Hey," Mom said. "I'm the one who had to persuade him it wasn't turning his little girl into a streetwalker."
"I never said that," Dad said.
"No?" I said. "Cool. Cause I've decided to skip the paw print. I'm thinking of a tramp stamp with flames that says 'Hot in Here.' No wait. Arrows. For directionally challenged guys
- Kelley Armstrong
The Gathering
Topic: Funny
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
- Eugene Mirman
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side!
- Terry Pratchett
Wintersmith
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.

And that was only because he was laughing so hard.
- Meg Cabot
Princess Mia
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch."
- Valek to Yelena
- Maria V. Snyder
Poison Study
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
- Stephen Colbert
I Am America
Topic: Funny
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
- Chelsea Fine
Awry
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Barzûl!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...
10
11
12
13
14
 		...