FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
