FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”
“I shot him with an arrow.”
“What kind of arrow?”
“A sharp one.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
I'm not going to tell you to trust me, because that's a terrible idea.
- Stephanie Garber
Once Upon a Broken Heart
My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson
'You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
- Thomas Sowell
Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.
- Thor Heyerdahl
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
- Jerry Lewis
You're only as good as your last haircut.
- Fran Lebowitz
I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
- Louis XIV
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
- David Brenner
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
- Hesiod
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
- Al Gore
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
- Richard Lewis
I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.
- Charles Darwin
