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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
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My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
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A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
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Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
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They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
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I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
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When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
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Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
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Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
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It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
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All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
- Norman Douglas
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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