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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
- Spike Milligan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
- Laurence J. Peter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.
- Bill Vaughan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
- David Brenner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
- George Lopez
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
- Cathy Guisewite
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead, you're made for life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
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