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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.
- Wendy Higgins
Sweet Peril
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.
- Julie Garwood
Honor's Splendour
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This did not seem to reassure Nico.

“I don’t like being in the dark,” he muttered.

An odd complaint for a child of Hades, but I understood what he meant.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
- Shel Silverstein
A Light in the Attic
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's ridiculous." Especially the part about Christian being manly.
- Richelle Mead
Spirit Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You totally just outed us to the criminals.

-Ty to Zane
- Abigail Roux
Armed & Dangerous
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is tough, then you die.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"
-Razor
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says.
"Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
- R.J. Palacio
Wonder
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.
- Wendy Higgins
Sweet Peril
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.
- Julie Garwood
Honor's Splendour
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This did not seem to reassure Nico.

“I don’t like being in the dark,” he muttered.

An odd complaint for a child of Hades, but I understood what he meant.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
- Shel Silverstein
A Light in the Attic
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's ridiculous." Especially the part about Christian being manly.
- Richelle Mead
Spirit Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You totally just outed us to the criminals.

-Ty to Zane
- Abigail Roux
Armed & Dangerous
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is tough, then you die.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"
-Razor
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says.
"Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
- R.J. Palacio
Wonder
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My girlfriend is a party girl angel who can kick some arse and cook.
- Wendy Higgins
Sweet Peril
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am ever a gentle maiden," she shouted. "Damn if I'm not.
- Julie Garwood
Honor's Splendour
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This did not seem to reassure Nico.

“I don’t like being in the dark,” he muttered.

An odd complaint for a child of Hades, but I understood what he meant.
- Rick Riordan
The Hidden Oracle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There's a Polar Bear
In our Frigidaire--
He likes it 'cause it's cold in there.
With his seat in the meat
And his face in the fish
And his big hairy paws
In the buttery dish,
He's nibbling the noodles,
And munching the rice,
He's slurping the soda,
He's licking the ice.
And he lets out a roar
If you open the door.
And it gives me a scare
To know he's in there--
That Polary Bear
In our Fridgitydaire.
- Shel Silverstein
A Light in the Attic
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.
- Graham Parke
Unspent Time
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's ridiculous." Especially the part about Christian being manly.
- Richelle Mead
Spirit Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You totally just outed us to the criminals.

-Ty to Zane
- Abigail Roux
Armed & Dangerous
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
- Eoin Colfer
The Arctic Incident
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You couldn't be satisfied with being an amateur asshole, could you, Jimbo! You had to go and turn pro on me!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is tough, then you die.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's it, cupcake. You're going down.
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bad kitty!" he screeched, snarling and baring his fangs at Grimalkin, who yawned and turned away to groom his tail. "Evil, evil, sneaky kitty! Bite your head off in your sleep, I will! Hang you by your toes and set you on fire! Burn, Burn!"
-Razor
- Julie Kagawa
The Iron Queen
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think we're too young to be dating. I mean I don't see what the rush is." Summer says.
"Yeah, I agree," said August. "Which is kind of a shame, you know what with all those babes who keep throwing themselves at me and stuff?
- R.J. Palacio
Wonder
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Unusual financial activity: none, unless you count the fact that someone in the family is way too into Civil War biographies. (Can this be a possible indication of Confederate insurgents still living and working in Virginia? Must research further.)
- Ally Carter
I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Topic: Funny
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123
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125
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