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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
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I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
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Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
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Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
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However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
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Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
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Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
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tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
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I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
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A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
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I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
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You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
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Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
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Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
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Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
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Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
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Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.
- Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Wylan drew himself up. “I may not have had your … education, but I’m sure I know plenty of words that you don’t.”

“Also the proper way to fold a napkin and dance a minuet. Oh, and you can play the flute. Marketable skills, merchling. Marketable skills.”

“No one dances the minuet any more,” grumbled Wylan.
- Leigh Bardugo
Six of Crows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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