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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!
- Pittacus Lore
The Rise of Nine
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
However, because they have no actual interests of their own (or if they do, they squelch them in order to fit in) and merely pursue those that they think will look best on their college apps, they're zombies.
- Meg Cabot
Airhead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let him treat you like a lady and open the car door for you. If he doesn't automatically open the door for you, stand by the darn thing and don't get into the vehicle until he realises he needs to get hid behind out of the driver's seat and come round and open the car door for you. That's his job!
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Art is anything you can get away with.
- Marshall McLuhan
Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init
- Derek Landy
The Faceless Ones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I've got a black-belt in crazy, and I know where you live.
- Marjorie M. Liu
Tiger Eye
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A man once said, 'All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.' Mark Twain, you know. He had a fine mustache. Men of wisdom so often do.
- Laini Taylor
Daughter of Smoke & Bone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
- Sojourner Truth
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Meg, don't you think you'd make a better adjustment to life if you faced facts?"
I do face facts," Meg said.
They're lots easier to face than people, I can tell you.
- Madeleine L'Engle
A Wrinkle in Time
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.”
“Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.
- Diana Wynne Jones
Howl’s Moving Castle
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H.L. Mencken
Prejudices: Third Series
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you her boyfriend?”
...
No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.
We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.
Our wedding isn’t until March.
- Brandon Mull
The Candy Shop War
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Let's pick it up," the man behind her said. "How many more of the tranquilizers do you have?"
"Just three," the girl panted.
"Gonna have to restock."
"Right. I'll just... head down... to the convenience store, and-" she didn't finish, the strain too much.
- Marissa Meyer
Scarlet
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?
Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now.
PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass.
ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass.
Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one.
PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You do realise modern social mores exist for a reason?"
"I was hungry, allowances should be made.
- Gail Carriger
Soulless
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.
- Sara Wolf
Lovely Vicious
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not remember my name or what country I live in, but you and that pie is something I will never forget.
- Kathryn Stockett
The Help
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant.
"'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...'" the voice crooned.
I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--
- Rachel Hawkins
Spell Bound
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't count your owls before they are delivered.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Topic: Funny
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122
123
124
125
126
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