TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
123
124
125
126
127
 		...
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”

Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”

“Then use a harpoon.
- Loretta Chase
Lord of Scoundrels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.
- Derek Landy
Kingdom of the Wicked
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...
123
124
125
126
127
 		...