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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Me: Stories of My Life
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Education, Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
- Johnny Vegas
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Me: Stories of My Life
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Education, Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
- Johnny Vegas
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To keep up appearances, I stomp my room and slam the door.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
- Katharine Hepburn
Me: Stories of My Life
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I'm the person going in to be slaughtered, this is somewhat annoying.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message we're brought up with, isn't it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
- Bill Hicks
Topic: Death, Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Education, Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
- Mason Cooley
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
- Charles Dudley Warner
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
- Edward Abbey
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
- Joe E. Lewis
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
- Jean-Luc Godard
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- Bob Hope
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Men are only as loyal as their options.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- P. G. Wodehouse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.
- Rose Kennedy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
- Johnny Vegas
Topic: Funny
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