FUNNY QUOTES
Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously. ◀ Back
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
- James Joyce
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I never said most of the things I said.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
- Jay London
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
- William Feather
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
- Mercedes McCambridge
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- James Thurber
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
- Michael J. Fox
Be obscure clearly.
- E. B. White
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
- Josh Billings
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
- Kevin Nealon
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
-
Douglas AdamsThe Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
- James Joyce
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I never said most of the things I said.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
- Jay London
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
- William Feather
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
- Mercedes McCambridge
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- James Thurber
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
- Michael J. Fox
Be obscure clearly.
- E. B. White
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
- Josh Billings
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
- Kevin Nealon
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
-
Douglas AdamsThe Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
- James Joyce
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
I never said most of the things I said.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
- Jay London
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
- William Feather
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
- Mercedes McCambridge
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
- James Thurber
I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.
- Michael J. Fox
Be obscure clearly.
- E. B. White
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
- Josh Billings
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
- Kevin Nealon
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
-
Douglas AdamsThe Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.
