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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
- Thomas Szasz
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Topic: Funny, Happiness
NOT YET RATED ▼
Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan's Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there's a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.
- Karen Marie Moning
Darkfever
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Pat Monahan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No good deed goes unpunished.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
- Groucho Marx
Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
- Thomas Szasz
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Topic: Funny, Happiness
NOT YET RATED ▼
Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan's Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there's a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.
- Karen Marie Moning
Darkfever
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Pat Monahan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No good deed goes unpunished.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
- Groucho Marx
Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
- Thomas Szasz
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
- Oscar Wilde
The Importance of Being Earnest
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Topic: Funny, Happiness
NOT YET RATED ▼
Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.
- James Patterson
Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan's Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I love books, by the way, way more than movies. Movies tell you what to think. A good book lets you choose a few thoughts for yourself. Movies show you the pink house. A good book tells you there's a pink house and lets you paint some of the finishing touches, maybe choose the roof style,park your own car out front. My imagination has always topped anything a movie could come up with. Case in point, those darned Harry Potter movies. That was so not what that part-Veela-chick, Fleur Delacour, looked like.
- Karen Marie Moning
Darkfever
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Bones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Pat Monahan
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No good deed goes unpunished.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
Where is Wood?" said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn't there.
"Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.
- J. K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
- Groucho Marx
Groucho and Me
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.
- Patrick Rothfuss
The Wise Man's Fear
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Topic: Funny
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129
 		...