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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Topic: Funny
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Topic: Funny
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Topic: Funny
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATING ▼
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Topic: Funny
Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.
- Mikhail Bulgakov
The Master and Margarita
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Topic: Funny
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Topic: Funny
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Topic: Funny
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATING ▼
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Topic: Funny
Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.
- Mikhail Bulgakov
The Master and Margarita
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Topic: Funny
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Topic: Funny
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Topic: Funny
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATING ▼
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATING ▼
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Topic: Funny
Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.
- Mikhail Bulgakov
The Master and Margarita
NOT YET RATING ▼
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
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