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Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
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...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
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Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
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Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
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There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
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1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
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Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
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The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
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I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
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...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
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He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
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A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....
- Tom Robbins
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is."
"It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook."
"Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)
- D. J. MacHale
The Quillan Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
- Mark Twain
Pudd'nhead Wilson and Other Tales
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Many people, meeting Aziraphale for the first time, formed three impressions: that he was English, that he was intelligent, and that he was gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
- Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Who're you going with, then?" said Ron.
"Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment.
"What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?"
"Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!"
Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him.
"What?" She called back.
"Want to come to the ball with me?"
Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look.
"All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face.
"There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We’ll never survive!”
“Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has.
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose.
- J.D. Salinger
The Catcher in the Rye
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ronan said, "I'm always straight."
Adam replied "Oh, man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Raven Boys
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The human body is the best work of art.
- Jess C. Scott
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
- Terry Pratchett
Moving Pictures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Napalm & Silly Putty
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
- Douglas Adams
The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog."
"I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!"
"You could in New Hampshire."
My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, before I kill you!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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