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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
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If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
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Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
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Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice in Wonderland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
"Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You possess other people's...bodies."

He accepted that statement with a nod.

"Do you want to possess my body?"

"I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?"
"Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elend: I kind of lost track of time…
Breeze: For two hours?
Elend: There were books involved.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice in Wonderland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
"Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You possess other people's...bodies."

He accepted that statement with a nod.

"Do you want to possess my body?"

"I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?"
"Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elend: I kind of lost track of time…
Breeze: For two hours?
Elend: There were books involved.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
- E.B. White
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever?" said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."
Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.
- Lewis Carroll
Alice in Wonderland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
"Don’t let it worry you," said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Mom. I have something to tell you. I’m undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I’m here to tell you that undead are just like you and me … well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
- Douglas Adams
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
- Terry Pratchett
Lords and Ladies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You possess other people's...bodies."

He accepted that statement with a nod.

"Do you want to possess my body?"

"I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that's not one of them.
- Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Ashes
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
- Rick Riordan
The Last Olympian
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?"
"Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.
- Suzanne Collins
The Hunger Games
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.
- Veronica Roth
Divergent
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?”
“That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.”
“What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?
- Terry Pratchett
Night Watch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Elend: I kind of lost track of time…
Breeze: For two hours?
Elend: There were books involved.
- Brandon Sanderson
The Well of Ascension
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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