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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch
- Janet Evanovich
Seven Up
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My name is Percy Jackson.
I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
- Mark Twain
Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
- Herman Wouk
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
- Bill Watterson
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.
- Dr. Seuss
The Cat in the Hat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…
“Okay,” Frank relented. “Sure.” He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. “Uh, how do you—”
Leo chuckled. “Man, you’ve never seen those before? There’s a simple trick to getting out.”
Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.
Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he’d been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.
“Well done, Frank Zhang,” Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. “That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I know - I'll play you for it," Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors."
Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.
"Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly.
Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look lousy,' he said.
Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.'
'No I mean it. You don't look good.'
'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-'
'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?"
"To read?"
But I don't want you to.
"But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me."
"Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house."
I loved Sophie.
"So I'm...staying here?"
"Daniel's covering for you."
I loved Daniel.
"Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual.
"Eliza's house."
I loved Eliza.
"And your parents?" I asked.
"Some charity thing."
I loved charity.
"So why are you going to read when I'm right here?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch
- Janet Evanovich
Seven Up
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My name is Percy Jackson.
I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
- Mark Twain
Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
- Herman Wouk
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
- Bill Watterson
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.
- Dr. Seuss
The Cat in the Hat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…
“Okay,” Frank relented. “Sure.” He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. “Uh, how do you—”
Leo chuckled. “Man, you’ve never seen those before? There’s a simple trick to getting out.”
Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.
Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he’d been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.
“Well done, Frank Zhang,” Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. “That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I know - I'll play you for it," Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors."
Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.
"Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly.
Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look lousy,' he said.
Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.'
'No I mean it. You don't look good.'
'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-'
'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?"
"To read?"
But I don't want you to.
"But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me."
"Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house."
I loved Sophie.
"So I'm...staying here?"
"Daniel's covering for you."
I loved Daniel.
"Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual.
"Eliza's house."
I loved Eliza.
"And your parents?" I asked.
"Some charity thing."
I loved charity.
"So why are you going to read when I'm right here?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch
- Janet Evanovich
Seven Up
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
My name is Percy Jackson.
I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.
Am I a troubled kid?
Yeah. You could say that.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
- Mark Twain
Tom Sawyer Abroad
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.
- Jane Austen
Mansfield Park
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
- Herman Wouk
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
- Bill Watterson
The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.
- Dr. Seuss
The Cat in the Hat
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…
“Okay,” Frank relented. “Sure.” He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. “Uh, how do you—”
Leo chuckled. “Man, you’ve never seen those before? There’s a simple trick to getting out.”
Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh.
Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he’d been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs.
“Well done, Frank Zhang,” Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. “That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I know - I'll play you for it," Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors."
Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.
"Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly.
Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent.
- Stephenie Meyer
Breaking Dawn
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You look lousy,' he said.
Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.'
'No I mean it. You don't look good.'
'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-'
'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Fallen Angels
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Wait," I said as Noah slipped a book from a shelf and headed toward the door. "Where are you going?"
"To read?"
But I don't want you to.
"But I need to go home," I said, my eyes meeting his. "My parents are going to kill me."
"Taken care of. You're at Sophie's house."
I loved Sophie.
"So I'm...staying here?"
"Daniel's covering for you."
I loved Daniel.
"Where's Katie?" I asked, trying to sound casual.
"Eliza's house."
I loved Eliza.
"And your parents?" I asked.
"Some charity thing."
I loved charity.
"So why are you going to read when I'm right here?
- Michelle Hodkin
The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt
- Darynda Jones
First Grave on the Right
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Topic: Funny
...
14
15
16
17
18
 		...