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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
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Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
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Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
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In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
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It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
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You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
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Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
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One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
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It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
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You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
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They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
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"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
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I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
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Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
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Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
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Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts.
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta.
- Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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16
17
18
19
 		...