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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.    Back

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NOT YET RATED
In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
NOT YET RATED
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
NOT YET RATED
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
- Marjane Satrapi
Persepolis: The Story of a Childhood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
You're a stalker with hooves."
"I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.
- Rick Riordan
The Titan’s Curse
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Do you think it's possible for an entire nation to be insane?
- Terry Pratchett
Monstrous Regiment
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED
One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal.
- Charlaine Harris
Dead to the World
NOT YET RATED
You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister."

"Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure."

"I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said.

"Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs."

And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune.

When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king.
- George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
They're book addicts.
- Lemony Snicket
The Miserable Mill
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
"It’s sarcasm, Josh.”

“Sarcasm?”

“It’s from the Greek, sarkasmos. To bite the lips. It means that you aren’t really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.”

“Well, if the village idiot named it, I’m sure it’s a good thing.”

“There you go, you got it.”

“Got what?”

“Sarcasm.”

“No, I meant it.”

“Sure you did.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“Irony, I think.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So you’re being ironic now, right?”

“No, I really don’t know.”

“Maybe you should ask the idiot.”

“Now you’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Sarcasm."
- Christopher Moore
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.)
- William Goldman
The Princess Bride
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth.
- Susan Ee
World After
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck."

Phury: "That was you?"

Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?
- J.R. Ward
Lover Awakened
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Fred, you next," the plump woman said.
"I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"
"Sorry, George, dear."
"Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Magic
Sandra’s seen a leprechaun,
Eddie touched a troll,
Laurie danced with witches once,
Charlie found some goblins gold.
Donald heard a mermaid sing,
Susy spied an elf,
But all the magic I have known
I've had to make myself.
- Shel Silverstein
Where the Sidewalk Ends
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED
Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads.
- Christopher Paolini
Eragon, Eldest & Brisingr
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose.
- Veronica Roth
Allegiant
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Men are more interesting in books than they are in real life.
- Mary Ann Shaffer
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time."
Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail."
"I was referring to the Bible."
Faukman cringed. "I knew that.
- Dan Brown
The Da Vinci Code
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.
- Neil Gaiman
American Gods
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
Topic: Funny
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15
16
17
18
19
...