TOPICS
SPEAKERS
HOME
BROWSE TOPICS
BROWSE SPEAKERS

FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
...
16
17
18
19
20
 		...
NOT YET RATED ▼
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
A joke is a very serious thing.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny, Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
A joke is a very serious thing.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny, Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Topic: Funny, Philosophical
NOT YET RATED ▼
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Topic: Funny, Inspirational
NOT YET RATED ▼
A joke is a very serious thing.
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny, Sports
NOT YET RATED ▼
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Topic: Funny
...
16
17
18
19
20
 		...