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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
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My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
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To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
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I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
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As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
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Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
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I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
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Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A joke is a very serious thing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A joke is a very serious thing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.'
It was the perfect motto for Morganville.
- Rachel Caine
Glass Houses
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.
- Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
- Leonard Bernstein
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything.
- Geoff Johns
Teen Titans, Vol. 3: Beast Boys and Girls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So?
- Bill Bryson
The Lost Continent: Travels in Small-Town America
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When you're the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.
- Criss Jami
Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch)
Said the SIG to the Glock. (V)
- J.R. Ward
Lover Revealed
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Ah,” said Magnus. “Nerd love. It is a beautiful thing, while also being an object of mockery and hilarity for those of us who are more sophisticated.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Dude, I don’t want to talk about Lacey’s prom shoes. And I’ll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It’s called a penis.
- John Green
Paper Towns
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.
- A.A. Milne
Winnie-the-Pooh
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's.
I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses.
Hi, I told him. I'm going to clean your stables. Won't that be great?
Yes! The horse said. Come inside! Eat you! Tasty half-blood!
But I'm Poseidon's son, I protested. He created horses.
Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time.
Yes! The horse agreed enthusiastically. Poseidon can come in, too! We will eat you both! Seafood!
Seafood! The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?”
“Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, but in a more poetic way!”
“Well, here’s a poem for you. Get lost!
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Just move to the Internet, its great here. We get to live inside where the weather is always awesome.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something
- Lemony Snicket
Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Thinking is hard work, which is why you don't see many people doing it.
- Sue Grafton
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?
- David Nicholls
One Day
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A joke is a very serious thing.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
That's Bill Brady. He goes through months of withdrawal after football season is over. In order to cope with football withdrawal, he'll stand in font of his window that overlooks the street and look for pedestrians. After he spots one, he'll make a beeline to his porch, then pause for a bit to crouch down and yell out 'hut hut hike' before running full bore to tackle or sack the passerby.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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18
19
20
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