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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
Topic: Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked.
"Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die."
"We're not busy," Annabeth said.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
Topic: Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked.
"Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die."
"We're not busy," Annabeth said.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
Topic: Funny, Inspirational, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
Topic: Funny, Life, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.
- Criss Jami
Killosophy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked.
"Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die."
"We're not busy," Annabeth said.
- Rick Riordan
The Battle of the Labyrinth
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Topic: Funny
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17
18
19
20
21
 		...