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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
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Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
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The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
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It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
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Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
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Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
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I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
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This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
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I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
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I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
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I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
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The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
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No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
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Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
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Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly;
In my own way, and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.

Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess; but that's permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.

If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.

Should I outlive this anguish, and men do,
I shall have only good to say of you.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows -
- Derek Landy
Mortal Coil
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now what state do you live in?'
'Denial.
- Bill Watterson
The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Babcock silenced himself when he caught a gratifying sight on the broker’s shelf—his finance book, Moving Ones and Zeros Around like a Goddamn God!
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence.
- Ben Elton
Bachelor Boys: The Young Ones Book
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I wouldn't marry Giddon to save my life," Katsa said. "Not even to save yours."
"Well." Raffin's eyes were full of laughter. "I'd leave that part out.
- Kristin Cashore
Graceling
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I had fun last night," I told Patch, flicking off my chin strap and handing over my helmet. "I'm officially in love with your sheets."

"That the only thing you're in love with?"

"Nope. Your mattress, too."

Some smile crept into Patch's eyes. "My bed's an open invitation.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No. Absolutely not.'
'Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.'
'The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?'
'Yes.'
'No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'
Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.'
'This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.'
'Simon—'
Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Lost Souls
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.
- Neil Gaiman
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry.
- J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords.
- Cassandra Clare
City of Glass
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.
- Jasun Ether
The Beasts of Success
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.
- Isaac Marion
Warm Bodies
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I suppose it’s not a social norm, and not a manly thing to do — to feel, discuss feelings. So that’s what I’m giving the finger to. Social norms and stuff…what good are social norms, really? I think all they do is project a limited and harmful image of people. It thus impedes a broader social acceptance of what someone, or a group of people, might actually be like.
- Jess C Scott
New Order
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Now Darkstripe,' Graypaw hissed to Firepaw under his breath, 'is neither young, nor pretty.
- Erin Hunter
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Help me, I can’t breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room.
- Ilona Andrews
Magic Slays
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
We're actors — we're the opposite of people!
- Tom Stoppard
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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17
18
19
20
21
 		...