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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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NOT YET RATED ▼
Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.
- Will Cuppy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.
- Carl Hiaasen
Strip Tease
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
- Ryan Mecum
Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your...Brains
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”
A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Percy says be talked to a Nereid in Charleston Harbor!”
“Good for him!” Leo yelled back.
“The Nereid said we should seek help from Chiron’s brothers.”
“What does that mean? The Party Ponies?” Leo had never met Chiron’s crazy centaur relatives, but he’d heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream.
“Not sure,” Annabeth said. “But I’ve got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?”
“I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?'

And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Punctuation, is? fun!
- Daniel Keyes
Flowers for Algernon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.
- Trenton Lee Stewart
The Mysterious Benedict Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.
- Jim Butcher
Proven Guilty
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom.
- Lisa Kleypas
Seduce Me at Sunrise
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?" Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.
"Huh? No. I mean, I don't know," Claire said.
"Then why are you all up in my grill?" Massie said through her teeth.
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
- Helen Gurley Brown
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
- Chelsea Handler
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.
- Will Cuppy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.
- Carl Hiaasen
Strip Tease
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
- Ryan Mecum
Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your...Brains
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”
A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Percy says be talked to a Nereid in Charleston Harbor!”
“Good for him!” Leo yelled back.
“The Nereid said we should seek help from Chiron’s brothers.”
“What does that mean? The Party Ponies?” Leo had never met Chiron’s crazy centaur relatives, but he’d heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream.
“Not sure,” Annabeth said. “But I’ve got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?”
“I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?'

And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Punctuation, is? fun!
- Daniel Keyes
Flowers for Algernon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.
- Trenton Lee Stewart
The Mysterious Benedict Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.
- Jim Butcher
Proven Guilty
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom.
- Lisa Kleypas
Seduce Me at Sunrise
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?" Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.
"Huh? No. I mean, I don't know," Claire said.
"Then why are you all up in my grill?" Massie said through her teeth.
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
- Helen Gurley Brown
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
- Chelsea Handler
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.
- Will Cuppy
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Here’s to freedom, cheers to art. Here’s to having an excellent adventure and may the stopping never start.
- Jason Mraz
Topic: Funny, Life
NOT YET RATED ▼
I'm calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I've been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.
- Andy Weir
The Martian
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
- Clint Eastwood
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty.
- Carl Hiaasen
Strip Tease
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes.
- Rick Riordan
The Lightning Thief
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
- Terry Pratchett
Small Gods
Topic: Funny, Religion
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.
- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto
Topic: Funny, Relationships
NOT YET RATED ▼
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
- Steve Harvey
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.
- Ryan Mecum
Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry for Your...Brains
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?”
A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.
- Jeaniene Frost
This Side of the Grave
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Percy says be talked to a Nereid in Charleston Harbor!”
“Good for him!” Leo yelled back.
“The Nereid said we should seek help from Chiron’s brothers.”
“What does that mean? The Party Ponies?” Leo had never met Chiron’s crazy centaur relatives, but he’d heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream.
“Not sure,” Annabeth said. “But I’ve got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?”
“I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of course I can do latitude and longitude!
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?'

And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '—frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord?
- Rachel Caine
Feast of Fools
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Find something useful to do with your morning,' she thought to him as she neared her chambers. 'Do something heroic in front of an audience. Knock a child into a river while no one's looking and then rescue him.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Punctuation, is? fun!
- Daniel Keyes
Flowers for Algernon
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Rules and school are tools for fools! I don't give two mules for rules.
- Trenton Lee Stewart
The Mysterious Benedict Society
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me.
- Jim Butcher
Proven Guilty
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Glaring at the doctor, Kev spoke in Romany. "Ka xlia ma pe tute" (I'm going to shit on you.)

"Which means," Rohan said hastily, "'Please forgive the misunderstanding; let's part as friends.'"

"Te malavel les i menkiva," Kev added for good measure. (May you die of a malignant wasting disease.)

"Roughly translated," Rohan said, "that means, 'May your garden be filled with fine, fat hedgehogs.' Which, I may add, is considered quite a blessing among the Rom.
- Lisa Kleypas
Seduce Me at Sunrise
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
"Claire, did I invite you to my barbeque?" Massie asked, her neck tilting to the right and her arms tightly crossed.
"Huh? No. I mean, I don't know," Claire said.
"Then why are you all up in my grill?" Massie said through her teeth.
- Lisi Harrison
The Clique
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere
- Helen Gurley Brown
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
- Darynda Jones
Third Grave Dead Ahead
Topic: Funny
NOT YET RATED ▼
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
- Chelsea Handler
Topic: Funny
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18
19
20
21
22
 		...