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FUNNY QUOTES

Laughter has a way of making everything feel lighter, even on the most serious days. The quotes below are packed with wit, sarcasm, and playful truth to give you a well-deserved smile. Read on and enjoy a quick dose of humor that doesn’t take life too seriously.   ◀ Back
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You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
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No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
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I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
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Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
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When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.

But laughing is exactly what I did.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
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Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand...heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
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So far Kat has been through all the Wa's she could think of, but Hale hadn't admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He'd firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn't even tried.

Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W's stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
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CONJUGATE THIS:
I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to
- J.R.R. Tolkien
The Two Towers
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Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Guilty Pleasures
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It is one of the defects of my character that I cannot altogether dislike anyone who makes me laugh.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The Moon and Sixpence
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Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm.
"Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?"
"The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
- Chelsea Handler
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
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If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Disappointment came to me,
and booted me,
and bruised and hurt me,
but that's how people grow up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"

Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Dream Thieves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes.
A. Or a shirt.
2. I didn’t bring my keys                      
A. Or anything really.
3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment.                      
A. Naked.

Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me.
- Cora Carmack
Losing It
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
- Douglas Adams
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.

- Jane
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
- Ann Brashares
The Second Summer of the Sisterhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.

But laughing is exactly what I did.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand...heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So far Kat has been through all the Wa's she could think of, but Hale hadn't admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He'd firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn't even tried.

Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W's stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
CONJUGATE THIS:
I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to
- J.R.R. Tolkien
The Two Towers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Guilty Pleasures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is one of the defects of my character that I cannot altogether dislike anyone who makes me laugh.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The Moon and Sixpence
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm.
"Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?"
"The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
- Chelsea Handler
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Disappointment came to me,
and booted me,
and bruised and hurt me,
but that's how people grow up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"

Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Dream Thieves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes.
A. Or a shirt.
2. I didn’t bring my keys                      
A. Or anything really.
3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment.                      
A. Naked.

Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me.
- Cora Carmack
Losing It
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
- Douglas Adams
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.

- Jane
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
- Ann Brashares
The Second Summer of the Sisterhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Brain Droppings
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.
- Jody Gehrman
Babe in Boyland
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Leo: I'm almost out of gas! Woah, that came out wrong. I meant the burning kind!
- Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
When someone tells you somebody’s been murdered, laughing is probably not the best response. You know, for future reference.

But laughing is exactly what I did.
- Rachel Hawkins
Hex Hall
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Man...heats up like a lightbulb: red hot in the twinkling of an eye and cold again in a flash. The female, on the other hand...heats up like an iron. Slowly, over a low heat, like tasty stew. But then, once she has heated up, there's no stopping her.
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
The Shadow of the Wind
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
So far Kat has been through all the Wa's she could think of, but Hale hadn't admitted to being Walter or Ward or Washington. He'd firmly denied both Warren and Waverly. Watson had prompted him to do a very bad Sherlock Holmes impersonation throughout a good portion of a train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. And Wayne seemed so wrong she hadn't even tried.

Hale was Hale. And not knowing what the W's stood for had become a constant reminder to Kat that, in life, there are some things that can be given but never stolen.

Of course, that didn't stop her from trying.
- Ally Carter
Heist Society
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
CONJUGATE THIS:
I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. Gracias a dios. Hasta luego.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to
- J.R.R. Tolkien
The Two Towers
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Room service? Send up a larger room."

[A Night at the Opera]
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine.
- Laurell K. Hamilton
Guilty Pleasures
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It is one of the defects of my character that I cannot altogether dislike anyone who makes me laugh.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The Moon and Sixpence
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm.
"Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?"
"The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember
- Rick Riordan
The Mark of Athena
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
- Chelsea Handler
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Disappointment came to me,
and booted me,
and bruised and hurt me,
but that's how people grow up.
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Adam's response was buried in the sound of the first-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"

Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!
- Maggie Stiefvater
The Dream Thieves
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes.
A. Or a shirt.
2. I didn’t bring my keys                      
A. Or anything really.
3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment.                      
A. Naked.

Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me.
- Cora Carmack
Losing It
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast.
- Douglas Adams
So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
- Eoin Colfer
Artemis Fowl
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.

- Jane
- J.R. Ward
Lover Unbound
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
Katsa and Po were trying to drown each other and, judging from their hoots of laughter, enjoying it immensely.
- Kristin Cashore
Bitterblue
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
I was supposed to write a romantic comedy, but my characters broke up.
- Ann Brashares
The Second Summer of the Sisterhood
Avg Rating: --Rate This Quote
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